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You Can't Touch Me (Single Version)

by Dylan Roth feat. Izzy Hodnett & Steph Salo

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about

TLDR: I wrote a musical! This song is from it. Check it out!

Long version: My friend Dalton Deschain and I have a podcast called "Are You Afraid of the Dark Universe?" on which we pitch each other new installments of the short-lived Dark Universe of monster movies. There's only one actual movie in the Dark Universe, the 2017 remake of "The Mummy" starring Tom Cruise, but Dalton and I have now written abbreviated scripts for 9 additional, imaginary movies. This month it was my turn, and I delivered a pitch for "The Phantom of the Opera" in which the Broadway production of Andrew Lloyd Weber's "Phantom" is held for ransom by a dead playwright. It's a full-on musical episode featuring three and a half original songs, written by me and performed by a few of my friends.

This is the Phantom's big number, performed on the episode by my friend Izzy Hodnett, who's still the Phantom's speaking voice on this track, alongside castmate Steph Salo as paranormal investigator Carol Laemmle. For this "single version," however, I took a crack at performing the Phantom's singing parts myself.

If you want to hear the full episode, check out AYADU wherever you find podcasts! podlink.to/DarkUniverse

You can also download this song for free, as well as the rest of the episode's soundtrack, by subscribing to me and Dalton's Patreon: www.patreon.com/dylananddalton/

lyrics

PHANTOM
I’ve been hoping that you'd find me here
Where we can spend some time alone, my dear
I feared you’d let your better angels keep you away
But you came
And now you’ll stay

You try so hard to keep your needs concealed
But it’s your faith in me that makes me real
Do you feel my fingers trace the space behind your knee
I can touch you but you can’t touch me

CAROL
(nervously chuckling)
So, ghosts work by stripper rules, huh? That’s cute-

PHANTOM
Stop talking. No more quips or deflection. I have questions for you and I want concise, honest answers. Do you understand me?

CAROL
Yes.

PHANTOM
Why did you come down here?

CAROL
I…I wanted to talk to you.

PHANTOM
And now that you’re here, what do you want?

CAROL
I want to keep talking.

PHANTOM
And that’s all? There’s nothing else you want from me?

CAROL
Nothing else.

PHANTOM
I asked for honest answers, Carol. Why did you just lie to me?

CAROL
Because…you’re a killer.

PHANTOM
Yes, I am. And you couldn’t be attracted to a killer, could you?

CAROL
No.

PHANTOM
Another lie. How many people has your fiancée, Dr. Halsey killed, Carol?

CAROL
Well, that really depends on whether or not you count vampires as people.

PHANTOM
Let’s say I do. How many has she killed?

CAROL
I don’t know.

PHANTOM
Has she killed in front of you?

CAROL
Yes.

PHANTOM
Has she killed for you?

CAROL
Yes.

PHANTOM
And don’t you deserve someone who would kill for you?

CAROL
Yes.

PHANTOM
Louder.

CAROL
Yes!

PHANTOM
Louder!

CAROL
(Singing)
Yes!

PHANTOM
I want my name above the title of a Broadway smash
I want the glory and the laurels and I want it to last
I want this whole fucking city reduced to ash
And in a flash I’m in the very last original cast

I shoulda been Anïas Mitchell, shoulda been the next big thing
I’m like Lin-Manuel Miranda except I can actually sing
And I’ve been buried six feet under, now I’m finally free
I can touch you but you can’t touch me

credits

released May 5, 2023
Music and lyrics by Dylan Roth
Guest starring Izzy Hodnett as the Phantom and Steph Salo as Carol Laemmle

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Dylan Roth's Deadshirt Records Queens, New York

Dylan Roth and his friends make rock music.

Check out thehellyeahbabies.com for Dylan’s main ongoing musical project.

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